The thoughts and speculations of an Atypical Adolescent

okay so.....

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 22:24:39 GMT

im totally smitten over the new design teacher in my school.

he's freaking
perfect i swear.

if he asked me to marry him i would.

its like,

hes so cute with his x-ray specs and his cute turkish face and his hair,

ohhh his justin pierre hair,

ohhh my god the things i would do to him.

damn nahrideb. for real.

you being overly nice to me, [and prolly everyone for that matter,]

it almost kills me to see you wink at me in the halls,

or be like 'hope you have a good weekend sweetie"

duuude

why>!>?!

>__>

soooo conflicted

there is something totally wrong with me

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 02:03:35 GMT

there is. really.

it didnt occur to me untill recently, but

i have a thing to older men.

like okay, let me make this clear,

i'm 15.
my plots and fanfics consist of mostly stuff i want to happen, or wish happened to me

when i write my characters, i visualize myself as a character.
i have this thing about unrequited love,
i have alot of it

so i write lots of love-y fluffy fanfics

anyway, i guess i dont like them because their older, its jsut that, i've been told over and over again that personality wise, i am basically a 24 year old
personality is a big deal to me and i guess i am attracted to a mature men, not these immature little boys that go to high school, who dont know what they want to do in life, or even, like, who they are identity wise.

but i also find myself finding them physically attractive [certain guys only].

not only do i find myself attracted to

Spencer Smith [20]

But
25 - 37 year olds such as
Justin Pierre [32]

Ray Toro [31]

Mikey Way [27]

Jared leto [36]

Eric Szmazda [33]

Bob Bryar[28]

and

finally, the 40-55 group
William petersen as gil grissom on csi[55]

Hugh Laurie, as House, and himself, cause i mean HELLO BRITISH ACCENT!![49]

Johnny Depp [45]

Alton Brown [46]

Vincent D'onofrio [49]

seriously.

Why is it I [a 15 year old] find myself liking older men?

men that are old enough to be my father?

FER REALY WTF?

Toro fic

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 00:57:00 GMT

Title: I'll never forget you
Author: me ^_^
Rating: I'll put pg 13 for mild cursing and technically illegal things being done
Pairing: Ray/OFC
POV: mostly third, flashback in in first person
Summary: When Leena Warren starts a relationship with her hero, what could go wrong?
Disclaimer: ~~I have kidnapped and married Ray Toro~~ own ~~all~~ None of them... happy?
Warnings: mild cursing, approaches on angst-y, het.
Dedicated To: ~~my unrequited love for Ray Toro~~ Anyone who loves them some Toro
Authors Notes: I tend to write in a fluff-angst-fluff manner, I'm a new writer so please comments and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism welcome but please don't flame me if you don't like it.

It was the eve of her 18th birthday as Leena ran from the merch table, trying to erase what she had just seen. She had been working as a merch slave for her sister's band [BulletBaby] from the start, but this, this was different. This, was WARPED TOUR. Her sister was one of many small time bands that had been invited to warped tour. For Leena, however, this was the chance of a lifetime, to get to see her favorite band play every single day. My Chemical Romance. Leena had been a fan of them since she was 15 and now at 17, she knew this band since it was playing in little clubs, and now they were headlining Warped Tour. She had even had the opportunity to [kind of...]date her hero, Ray Toro. They had met one night after a concert when she was bent over a random trash bin heaving her guts out after having a few drinks at the club she snuck into where they were playing at.

Flashback:

As I spilled the rest of my stomach contents into the metal bin, I felt a hand on my shoulder and heard a familiar voice ask, "you okay in there?". I fished a tissue out of my pocket and wiped my mouth.
"here" he said, handing me a mint and bottle of water. Taking a sip and looking up, I saw that my night in shining armor was none other than lead guitarist and my hero, Ray Toro.
"HOLY SHIT!" I said with awe, "You, you're, you're Ray Toro. You're like, freaking amazing and hot, and DUDE! like My Chem like, ITS amazing "
He blushed and chuckled " wow. thanks"
I blushed.
Giving me a concerned look he said " Nineteen is a little young to be heaving your beer in that trash can."

I gave him a frightened look and sat down, leaning against the brick wall.

'if only he really knew' I though

"Dont worry, I promise I won't tell" he smiled warmly, sitting and putting his arm around my shoulder.

"So, seeing as I was a teenager once, I'm assuming you have a cover story and your parents aren't expecting you home until sometime tomorrow"
I looked down and nodded.

"Well, do you have somewhere you can go to sleep tonight" he asked

I nodded my head once more.

"What about a ride?"

I thought about it, and shook my head slowly

"Well I suppose I could drive you. It's the least I could do for a fan as nice, cool and cute as you"

I blushed and giggled. I had always had a thing for Ray, even though he was 24 and I was only 15, although he didnt know that...

He got up and extended his hand. Pulling me up, I told him the address to my big sister's house.
Leading me to his car he asked "So, I just realized I dont even know your name"

Fiddling with the seat belt, I replied "oh, yeah. I'm Leena"

"Here" he said, leaning over to help me. Our Faces were only centimeters apart. I looked into his eyes and felt that there was something, a spark?

"Ray," I whispered

His lips gently touched mine. It felt like forever, but when he pulled away it had been only a few seconds.

I fiddled around in my pockets nervously as he started the car.
"do you like Marilyn Manson?" he asked, turning on the stereo.

"I LOVE Manson" I said enthusiastically.

Trying to break the ice Ray asked "What's one random fact about yourself?"

Leena thought and said "Well, My Birthday is April fools day"

"For real? That's so cool" Ray asked

"Yeah. Well what about you?" I asked curiously.

"um, OH! Well you know my hair?" Ray said pointing to the wonderful mass of curly brown on his head. "Well once, Mikey, our bass player, straightened it."

"NO WAY!" I retorted, laughing erratically.

"wow, you're laugh is so cute" Ray whispered.

Luckily it was dark because I was blushing SO hard

The rest of the rise was spent talking about music and how My chem was going to go on tour soon. Two hours later he pulled up to my sister's house, he got up. Walking around he opened my door and helped me out.

"Thank you So much for dropping me off." I said nervously, fiddling with the buttons on my sweater.

"No problem, I really liked that I met you." He said, blushing ever so slightly he continued

"Uhm, I was wondering if you wanted to go out some time, like go to a movie or something?"

"I-, I'd love to" I said. We exchanged phone numbers and emails.

"I guess I'll call you"

"I hope you do." I said with a a smile. "Thanks again for-"
I was cut off by his lips on mine once more.

As he pulled away, I giggled.
"Bye" I almost whispered as he walked back to his car. I stood there until I saw his car disappear around the corner.

We emailed back and forth for a few days before he asked me out.
Our first date was just a movie, but we had a lot of times where I'd just go and we'd hang at his house, those three weeks were amazing, until that day ruined it all.

It wasn't an extravagant date, My Chemical Romance was playing The knitting Factory in New York City and he took me to a dinner of Pizza before their set, which was fine with me because I was just happy that I was there. During a set break, I saw Bob whisper in Ray's ear, to which he responded by pointing to me. I giggled and waved.

That night he drove me back to my sister's house and walked me to her door.
I looked into Ray's eyes to say goodbye, when he told me "Look Leena, I know I've only known you for a few weeks and that we've only been on like two real dates, but it feels like I've known you since forever, I was kind of wondering," He stepped closer and put his arms around me, "If you'd maybe consider moving in with me and whatnot"

I pulled away, getting a quizzical look from Ray.

"Look Ray. I like you. I REALLY like you, but" I said, realizing that I couldn't pull this off any longer.

"But what? I know this is so cheezy but I really like you Leena. No, I love you. " Ray said taking my hand.

My heart shattered as I whispered my response "I can't do this Ray. You barely know me, you're about to go on tour, and school starts up again next month" a small tears dropped from my eyes.

"But, "

"Ray, I cant,"

"Leena, we can make this work, I'm not leaving for 8 weeks. This can-"

" I'm fifteen,Ray. Not nineteen, not eighteen, not even seventeen." I whispered as what was left of my heart turned into dust.

He looked at me with a mix of fear, regret and longing.

"But why didn't -"

"Because I like you is why. I didn't want you to think I was some stupid lovestruck kid. I know this won't work, and you do to." The tears tried to work their way out but I tried with all my might to hold them in.
And just then a silence that had been threatening to pop itself up all night loomed over us.
"But, Leena -"

"Just go"

"I'll never forget you Leena, I'll never love anyone as much as I love you" he whispered, giving me one last, chaste kiss before walking to his car.

I let the tears fall freely as I stood there, he looked back one last time before he got in and drove off.

end flashback

My heart Broke in two that day, with the majority of it, still loving Ray Toro, never giving up hope that maybe what he said that night was true. That he never did forget me. I knew now, as I ran pass the numerous vans and tour buses that it was all a lie. I had stopped to collect my thoughts against the side of a tour bus. And as I slid down the side of the bus I started to sob. The man I had fallen in love with two years ago had lied. I saw him, Ray, with some girl draped over him, I knew that there was absolutely no hope, that he didn't remember his promise to me.

I sat there for what seemed like an eternity sobbing and asking myself how I could let such a fickle thing like teenage love destroy me so much, even if it was with the man of my dreams.

Caught up in my sobbing, I didn't hear him as he stepped off the bus.

"Are you okay?" asked an oddly familiar voice.

"No.I just saw the love of my life with some floozy draped over him. i mean i know that he left two years ago cause,well, i mean, but, ITS NOT FAIR! ITS JUST NOT!" I answered flustered bitter and without looking up.

Sliding down the side of the bus as I had done before, he replied, "Well maybe he thought she had moved on."

I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my face in my hands.

"Its just not fair" I sobbed.

"He didn't think so either." he said, putting his arm around my shoulder in an attempt to console her.

"how, tell me how the hell do you know that"
I asked, my face still buried in my hands.

"Because he told me so."

At this, I looked up to see a blond haired, blue eyed Bob Bryar staring back at me.

"B-bob bryar?" I asked confused.

"Look, Leena. Ray never stopped thinking about you. He told me so. He fell in love with you that night, he really did."
Bob explained.

"h-how do you know my name?" I asked, before remembering Ray pointing me out to him on that last day.

"Ray, he never shuts up about you. Even when you two were going out back in 2006 he'd never shut up about you"

"but, I" I muttered. 'This is wrong' I thought 'there's no way he could have seen me in the crowd'

Bob replied " He was depressed for a long time after what happened Leena. He never let it show while we played, but it reflected in the songs and poetry he wrote. Leena, when he saw you that first day of warped tour, he didn't think it was real. He's been waiting for the right time to tell you that he still loved you, but,"

"Then why was that whore draped all over him?" I asked, blinking through the tears.

"That's the thing Leena, he didn't do anything with her, we have a no groupie policy. It's not like he would have done anything anyway"

"but-"

I was cut off by the sound of the tour bus door opening again.

"Bob, you out there? I wanted to show you this hilarious fanfic i found where I'm a cat person, and you're with Mikey, who's a cat person too. Apparently I'm about to steal your man." The voice laughed.

It only registered to me who the voice belonged to as I saw him step off the bus.

"Bob?" he said looking around and finding Bob sitting next to a girl he obviously didn't remember.

"What the heck Bob. You know the rule is no groupies!" Ray said, giving Bob a glare.

"That sure as hell wasn't a rule two years ago Toro" I reminded him as I stood up, wiping the tears from my face.

"wha- LEENA?" Ray nearly screamed.

"What do you want Toro? You already took my heart and smashed it to pieces" I could feel all the hurt, sorrow and longing turn into anger.

stepping closer to her Ray replied
"but Leena, I never, I've- I've always loved you"

"Liar. You lied back then and you lie now"

"what are you talking about?"

"You said to me, you said 'I'll never forget you Leena'. I spent two years lonely because of you. You tore my heart to shreds Ray, and now,
Now I find out that you're with some floozy? I always had hope that we'd meet again, that we'd fall in love for real this time, that maybe, just maybe you'd notice me here at warped, but you had to go and fucking ruin it. To lie!" I fell to my knees sobbing,

Ray dropped to her side, putting his hands at my shoulders.
"I never meant to hurt you Leena. Never. I always loved you, I always will."

"LIAR" I screamed

"No, no its not. let me explain."

"Explain how you lied!?"

"It's all a misunderstanding. I was going to go tomorrow, on your birthday. I was going to surprise you at your merch booth and ask you if you can give me a second chance, to fall in love, to really fall in love."

"but, but" I sobbed, looking up at him, at his big brown eyes.

"I saw you with that guy at the merch table, how happy you seemed with him, I assumed that you were with him, that you were happy and that you didn't even remember me. I figured you were better off with someone your own age than with someone 8 years older" he said, looking into my eyes.

"I've always loved you Leena, I just want you to be happy"

That was when I felt it, something pulling me closer to him,
a spark.

He put his strong arms around me and pulled her close.

I felt his lips on mine, and a joy that I hadn't felt for two whole years filled me. I felt his left hand move to the small of my back as his right hand went to the back of my neck.My own hands, as if working on their own entangled themselves into his thick curly hair.
"I've missed you so much" I told him, my lips still pressed to his.
"I love you so much Leena" he whispered.

He stood up and reached out his hand to help me up.

He took my hand and let me into the tour bus

"sit here" he said, walking into the back of the bus.

Soon I saw Ray and Bob, along with the rest of my child hood heroes, Gerard, Frank, and Mikey emerge from the back room.

"guys, This is Leena" he said pointing to me. "She's my girlfriend. We are going to go to the media room and watch a movie. Disturb us and die" Ray said taking my arm and leading me into the back room.

I blushed and heard mutters of 'finally', 'its about time' a few giggles and a wink from Bob as I followed Ray.

Ray shut the door and motioned for me to sit with him on the couch as he turned on a movie.
"I love you" he said as he leaned toward me, his hand cupping my face as he planting a tender kiss on my lips.

Breaking the kiss and pulling my knees to my chest, I turned to Ray.

"Ray..." I whispered, tear falling down my face.

"What, what's wrong?" he said moving closer to me.

I shut my eyes and started to shake my head feircley

"Leena, what's wrong? Baby, whats wrong?"

"Ray, there never was anyone else, there never will be any one other than you. I loved you so much back then, and I love you so much right now, but" I started, tears running down my face.

"Baby, what is it?"

Taking a deep breath to suppress my sobs, I continued,
"B-but I can't do this. I-I can't get hurt again Ray. I s-spent t-two years h-hoping you'd come back for m-me." I said through sobs

"oh, Baby" He sighed

Looking into my eyes he continued, "I was stupid back then. I can't believe I let something as small as age get between the best thing that ever happened to me. Nothing's gonna happen when I'm with you. I will love you forever Leena Alicia Warren."

"p-promise?" I asked looking up at him.

"Promise" he replied softly, putting his arm around me.

Ray looked up as the clock struck midnight
"Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday Dear Leena,
Happy birthday to you."
he sang softly

"Happy Birthday babydoll" he said, kissing me lovingly and pulling me close.

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 03:10:06 GMT

Frankie panted and sweat dripped down his face.
"Oh, Oh!" he yelled

"Oh my God Frankie!" Mikey moaned

"Oh, HOLY SHIT! I think I'm gonna-" Frank Screamed as he fell back onto his boyfriend

"oh my god, Frankie that was AMAZING" Mikey said pulling a cigarette from the nightstand and lighting it, "I've never seen anyone finish that quick though"

"It's 'cause I'm that good" Frankie said through a fit of giggles

"You know, next time we do this we should call Gerard and Bob over to have some fun as well" Mikey said, taking a drag from his cigarette.

"Yeah, they could really make things interesting" Frankie chuckled

"But do you think Gerard would be able to beat you?" Mikey said with a contemplative look on his face.

"Nah, no one can beat me at DDR" Frank said putting away the playstation.
"yeah, you're right" Mikey said, getting up and pulling Frankie close to him.
"How about I show you my moves"

Frankie laughed, "You think you can beat me at DDR"

"No," Mikey grinned, "But I can teach you a few moves to a dance I like to call 'the horizontal mambo' "

Frankie's giggle was gut short by Mikey's lips on his.

Breaking the kiss Frankie giggled "How Bout you show me those moves you were talking about"

"I'd love to" Mikey said, pulling Frankie into their bed room.
----------------------------
i had this in mind since last night, what do you think????

WHYD YA HAVE TO GO AND DASH MY DREAMS TORO WHY!!!

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 00:40:58 GMT

Okay so im glad Ray's happy and in love enough to get married, but i mean i guess i had to be a fucking crazy to even thing that i ever had a chance but a girl can fucking dream right?

i was totally in love with ray.
like,

seriously.
i say 'was' because i cant be all in love with a, someone i dont know, and b, a married man.
i mean, come on. Tall, Handsome, Nice, Cute, Plays guitar, Likes similar music.

im just going on about how hes my perfect guy.
no question that i was, am not and will never be good enough for him tho trust me i know that,
he's WAY too good for me.

i'll have to go lust after some other guy who's too old for me

i almost started to cry

seriously,

how fucked up is that.

i've said it before and i'll say it again,

i have issues

fangriling it up

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 01:46:45 GMT

okay so i now have another 16 year old boy to obsess over.

His name is Declan Galbraith and he's an english boy, [yes ladies, that includes the smexy accent]
he is able to keep such an amazing singing voice, [which is quite high] while still having a DROOLWORTHY talking voice,

holy crap i want to have his babies.

they'd be scottish-irish-english-spanish-asian
HOLY CRAP THATS ALOT

his baby-face-ness is very reminiscent of a certain Panic boy,
lovable RyRo, or Ryan Ross

okay, im done fangirling it up for the day

Toodles dearies!

you'll always be a cat person to me

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 00:46:10 GMT

im fucking scared

its happening again

i was sent spinning back into the real world where you succeed and i stay not a faliure but a normal,

a normal fucking person, with their normal fucking problems.

but you, you're amazing, smart, great, nice, creative, a success.

i always felt like i was holding you back,
but our friendship, it made me selfish,

it was kind of like you made me feel like i could do something with myself,

i wanted to keep you all for my self

i never wanted this to happen

to happen again.

my new friendships,

not as close as we were,
not as close as we are.

im loosing you little by little,

i miss you so much and its like im losing a part of myself, to lose you

i want to share my life with you but i simply cant,

i dont want to muddle your life with my insignificant problems, my typical teenage angst issues.

i want so desperately to set you free, to let you succeed, the little bit of you that i still have, i just dont want to let go. i miss you so much lexi, as a person, as a friend,
as a sister.

you have new inside jokes and new friends,

i want to be a part of your life

to be your friend again,

but i know it wont happen it never does.

i dont want to lose you but i have to, i have to let you go on with out me to tie you down

i love you lexi but it hurts too damn much to hold on to the little bit of friendship we have left.

so i gotta try to let it go

she had an earthquake on her mind

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 22:40:38 GMT

thats it

its real
i really am in love with him

but not one of those relationship thingies silly

one of those, hes out of my reach, unattainable infinitely, kind of things

its
its kind of sad knowing it'll never happen

but i do
i love him

hes

well as far as i know
he's as perfect as they come.

perfect in my book by far

part 5

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 02:55:28 GMT

hes so close i can feel him breath

his chest on mine
he
he leans over me
he kisses me
he clicks the lights off

i
i kiss him back
i deepen the kiss.

he leans over me more,
i am laying on the floor

i am making out

with my physics teacher

my
sexy
adorable cute

alternative nerd boy king

he pulls me up, and we stand there for a while making out
when
he slowly eases me onto the bed
our lip lock never breaking

i find myself ripping off his shirt
and him
doing the same

we lay there and we kiss and we hug
i pull the covers over us
and we make out
and i cant help but think this is a dream
a dream so amazing that when it ends i am in hell

i break our kiss

greg's point of vies
"oh my god what am i thinking" i breath

"i am your physics teacher
you are my student,
you are too young for me
this cant happen"

"no,
no dont go,

please.
i

i need you

i love you greg,
i always have.
i always will
even if this is just a dream i need you to stay here
please greg"
she looks at me with these lovely brown eyes
full of love and lust and lonelyness

she needs me, and damnit, i need her too

"its,
its not a dream
im really here
and this is where i will stay"
i say this as i slowly re-approach her,
i kiss her cheek,
her neck,
she moans a sigh of pleasure

i kiss her lips
i kiss her lips again
but more forecefull

she licks my lip,
her tounge begging for entry to my mouth
i let her in
i massage her tounge with mine
she explores my mouth
i explore hers
my hands as if acting on their own,
move towards her bra.
i stop myself
"what? whats wrong" she asks
she sounds so eager
"nothing" i say,
i continue to my deed,
her bra comes off.

and somehow
her hands reach the button of my jeans

i let her continue in what she's going,
i remember
"wait
wait! i have no condom"
"top drawer" she says, her voice breathy
i pull one out
and somehow not loosing my ego,
i put it on

her point of view:

he is ready, he kisses my neck again
i love it,

its
amazing
how he makes me feel
he kisses my chest, my stomach,
lower

he pulls off my thong
and kisses my thigh

his hands caressing my leg
he slowly kisses his way up to my neck,
he kisses me

his hand,
trailing down to my thigh,

he grazes my skin

he seduces me

her romances me

we intertwine
he becomes me
we
become
a we
i feel
full of life
he yells in pleasure
i groan in ecstasy

its a perfect night
not ever how i've dreamed it
but a million times better

part 4 - why

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 02:28:38 GMT

"okay you want to know why i'm here?" i say sitting still, with my back to him, while i still watch the dvd

"i'm here because this guy i like
he decided to come
and
well i guess

i figured that if i go on the trip
he'll get to know me better, and maybe
well
he'd like me"
i cant believe im telling him this

"ah so you're here for some guy? me too! hah well. not a guy,
well uh
you promise not to get freaked when i tell you?"
he says sobering up a bit

at this poit i am extremly interested, but i dont show it, i still keep my back to him, and keep my eyes glued to the tv

"i promise" i say

"ok well
theres this student, she was in my freshie physics class.

and well she's great
shes nice
and passionate,

she was a great student
and she's amazing
she gets me you know?
but
anyway
you want to know my favorite thing about her?"
he asks, his voice getting louder as he is getting closer to me

he comes up behind me and whispers in my ear
"her
pink
hair"
i turn around
who can he be talking about?

but
who is this mystery girl?
wait
did he say
pink hair?
im the only one in my class
with pink hair
the only one on the trip
with pink hair
holy shit
am
am i in heaven?
here i am
the man of my dreams
and he's so close to me i can feel him breath.
i find outthat he's in love with me

its

its

its amazing

part three- are you drunk?

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 02:20:37 GMT

so here i am
sitting in my sorrows

listening to dashboard confessional
watching a planet earth dvd

super emo nerd status right now

basically, being an emo pre-teen

only 18 not 14

i hear knocking

what the hell? i thought everyone had gone.

up i go to the door
yikes, i need a pedicure.

*opens the door*
Greg??
WTF?
"greg? why are you here
why dont you have shoes?"

"i uh

i came to see if you were okay,
eeveryone is at the bar and uh.
you're here all alone."
he said

wow
he looks kinda tipsy..

"well yeah, i'm just fine. im watching a planet earth dvd"

"OO COOL can i watch"
he says this as he walks to the other bed in the room.

"sure"
i close and lock the door, other people in the hotel,
i saw this crazy dude before....

i sit on the floor between the two beds, its how i watch tv, i like small spaces sometimes.

"so why are you here? im surprised you're not out with the others"

he giggles a bit before he responds,
definitely tipsy
"ok but you have to tell me why your here by yourself first" he says, and resumes gigling.

its going to be a long night as i tell him okay

part two - greg's pov

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 02:01:54 GMT

oy

why'd i even come?

i could have stayed home

but no

i decided to chaperone the senior trip

i dont even teach seniors
im freshie physics only

arg

but
she
is a senior this year
she
she,
she is a former student of mine,
basically
off limits

but, a glimmer of hope along the horizon!
she turned 18 three months ago.

but
even though she's well,
legal

what chance is there that she likes me,
washed up physics teacher?

im old
well not old
but
too old for her

im such a nerd
i listen to alternative rock and hardcore
and emo
like dashboard confessional

i've got these dorky glasses
and my hair is such a mess

theres no way she'll ever be mine

never.

i suppose nows the perfect time to drown my sorrows

gotta love canadian beer

part one- the room

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 01:50:28 GMT

this is a story i've written about a girl who is inlove with someone she thinks she cant have

everything is her point of view, unless otherwise stated,

so here i am
sitting in this hotel room.

all alone

its the senior trip

and all of my friends have gone to a bar,
the teachers, along with them
(we're in canada, legal drinking age is 18)

i didnt even want to go to this trip
but
he decided to chaperone

why did he have to come?
i mean like,
i spend the last three years trying to get over the fact that he's to old for me.
all of highshool

since that first day in class.

greg.

he teaches physics
he looks
like my alternative boy king
dark black hair, just slightly spiked,
black square frames on his glasses
slightly taller than me
he is
smart
nice
passionate
and has a great taste in music

but like i said,
he's my physics teacher.
and therefore,
off limits.

but a girl can dream?
i figured,
if i came on the trip, i might be able to get to know him better, i mean,
im 18,
so
well
a girl who can,
will dream.

wow

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 02:35:26 GMT

wow
she's so annoying sometimes

UGGH

arcadeBoys and paigeyDolls

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 03:29:59 GMT

this is all first hand from subject a to me

so subject A, we'll call her jen, and subject b, we'll call him fernando
the days are probably not timed correctly, and day two is not the day after day one,
( if day one was a tuesday and day two was probably a thurday)

day 1
so jen is sitting at the acrade in the mall with one of her friends

playing air hockey.

jen happens to win a game, and in the prize-less arcade, her friend asks jen what she wants as a prize.

she sees him on another game and jokingly says
" i want him"
and points to fernando

so jen's friend starts making a scene so that fernando will look over at them

jen gets embarrased
and leaves the arcade.
see the arcade has this big glass wall/window kind of thing, and coming back, jen sees fernando writing something on his hand
and as she comes up to the wall/window and he puts his hand against the window

written on it " i like you"
and she writes "aw thats so cute, like you"

and after a while of this sort of communication, jen is walking around and her mother calls, its time to pick her up.
"should i say goodbye to him?" she asks her friend
"no, cause this way he'll regret not talking to you and he'll think about you"

and she leaves

day 2
she goes back
looking for her acrade boy

no luck

days 3-5
no arcade boy, although his friends are there

day 6
at the mall
jen's friend goes over to one of fernando's friends asking who/ where 'her arcade boy' is.

they schedule a time
and place

day 7

she meets him
he is cute, tall, hot, pretty
basically perfect

only

no english for him.

well, only a little.
basically,
she agrees to teach him english if she teaches her spanish.

day 7
he asks her to be his girlfriend,
she says no, because he doesnt know english, but when he learns, she will.

so far, that is the story of arcadeBoys and paigeyDolls

messin with my mind

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 00:21:59 GMT

he's such a flirt

such a freaking flirt

im not even talking about my curly boy

im talking about his skateboard loving friend

so let me tell you what happened

today

outfit

white button down shirt
black corset with black and red gingham accents
black skinny jeans

i've got some chub on me, but i must say, i did look good.

so he comes by my science class

which is my favorite cause well, just cause

and he starts flirting with me,

i mean like,

i doubt i'd go out with him
but its still fun to flirt,

anyway

so i was flirting and talking and it was fun.

i see him a few more times, witty banter is exchanged, all in good fun.

then

after school,

im with my hot boy, the curly one, i dont think i like him, but hes so fun to look at,

so anyway

im with my hot boy (technically not MY hot boy but yeah) and the flirty one comes bye
and he starts flirting with me more
oh fun

lol
anyway

yeah

pretty good day for once

oh. its what you do to me

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 19:07:12 GMT

He comes up and puts his arm around me.

I think its too good to be true

He's talking to one of our friends.

He leaves with the group

What to do

What to do?

lunacy fringe

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 15:49:35 GMT

So that boy I keep talking about,
I saw him this morning in the hall,
twice.
On the third time he gets up
Stops me
And starts poking me arm
So I was like
'What. You stop me but I get no hugs?' He laughed and gave me this cryptic look
Not almost flirty but not quite.

This boy is really starting to bug me

things have changed

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 23:29:51 GMT

"things have changed for me, and thats okay, i feel the same, i'm on my way and i'll say
things have changed for me, and thats okay"

- panic at the disco
that green gentleman

but what if things have changed and its not okay, and you're not on your way.

well thats what happened to me,
things have changed
and i dont know if i can deal with it
i really dont

i know its part of growing up
but if thats what growing up is,
but i dont know if i want that to happen

i love that cute head of hair

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 23:10:57 GMT

its that boy again

hes gotten under my skin

i just need something to make it go away

he OBVIOUSLY doesn't like me
its insane

like

i fooled myself into thinking that he could actually like me

it seems so typical but its true

everyone is always like
"you're so great,"
or
"you deserve better"
or
"you'll find the right guy"

but its like

what am i doing wrong?
could someone tell me?
all these amazing guys
and i cant manage to snag one

im not saying that im all that
not at all
im average MAYBe

but why cant i just get my happy ending?

time to be your 21

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 22:13:43 GMT

this song is basically about not being old enough for the guy you want
or girl
its up to your taste

personally for me its a guy
that i really like
and is basically perfect
besides the fact that hes to old for me

so here it is
Time to be your 21 by alexz johnson

You never lied to me, not once
it’s not your fault that I can’t trust
it’s in my past, its in my path
And I can’t go there

Making a mess out of this game
To see it all go up in flames
So tired of being ruthless and reckless

Time to be your only one
To almost be your ‘way too young’
Time to crash into the sun
Time to be your 21
Time to dream that love will last
Time to drive my car too fast
Time to walk before I run
Time to be your 21

I don’t believe in love
And I put it to the wall
I tasted sweetness there
And laugh so hard as it falls
And I could push you there
if you don’t stop me
Push you there if you don’t stop me
Please stop me

Time to be your only one
To almost be your ‘way too young’
Time to crash into the sun
Time to be your 21
Time to dream that love will last
Time to drive my car too fast
Time to walk before I run
Time to be your 21

It’s gut-wrenching sometimes
It’s life-threatening sometimes
It seems like nothing can
wash it all away

Time to be your only one
To almost be your ‘way too young’
Time to crash into the sun
Time to be your 21
Time to dream that love will last
Time to drive my car too fast
Time to walk before I run
Time to be your 21
Time to be your only one
To almost be your ‘way too young’
time to crash into the sun
Time to be your 21

ludo - drunken lament

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 16:19:05 GMT

this is a great song
listennnnn to it or well. readddd it

Drunken lament
by: Ludo
Self-loathing is quaint
You told me, showing restraint
Now you're gone, and I'm lost
In the swells, I am tossed
Bobbing and choaking and losing the fight in the fog

You said forever
Tell me why can't you stay?

I'd ride in your pocket all day
But I just don't fit, say the word and I'll change
I'm throwing a party tonight
I drink more than a sailor I'm sure
Pour the rum in my eyes, tell me lies

Oh...

Drunk since Saturday
Without you, without restraint
(Ahhh)
It still stings where you stung
Water swings in my lungs
I'm starving for words that would ration my sadness away

Tell me forever
Tell me you'll come back to stay

I'd ride in your pocket all day
But I just don't fit, say the word and I'll change
I'm throwing a party tonight
I drink more than a sailor I'm sure
Pour the rum in my eyes, tell me lies

You were the mermaid for me
Till one day, you found your feet
Leaving me
In the God-awful bottle, a model of heartache and grief

I'd ride in your pocket all day
But I just don't fit, say the word and I'll change
I'm throwing a party tonight
I drink more than a sailor I'm sure
Pour the rum in my eyes, tell me lies

you are at the top of my lungs

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 04:38:57 GMT

we're drifting apart lovie
i just know it

i never thought this would happen

and i never wanted it to

so i hope it never does

but i doubt it

i miss my bestie
but sometimes i realize that you've made new friends
and its like you dont love me anymore

you dont mean to i know it

but i just want to be a part of your life now like i was before

sometimes i think that you really just dont care anymore

i dont want it to be true
but it probably is

you're off to bigger and better things,

while im stuck in a school
a good school
but a school where the math teacher for 9th grade math
is JUST STARTING FUNCTIONS
they say
"if you love something set it free"

but what happens when you just want to be selfish and keep it to yourself

hey moon please forget to fall down

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 04:19:35 GMT

sugarcane in the easy morning

here i am listening to

"northern downpour"
by panic at the disco

and all i can think of is how helpless i felt when i heard
yes only heard
this song played live

when i went to go see panic

this one really obese girl
would not move from the spot where i had fallen from in the pit
so while motion city soundtrack was playing
i went near the back,
i thought i would be able to handle it
but all i could do was cry hopelessly because of all i had gone through waiting for them, to see them
TO SEE THEM LIVE
but i ended up barely seeing the stage and hearing them

i cried and cried and cried,
i couldnt stop
but as i cried i screamed out the all the words to every song

but when northern downpour came on,
i gave up
i went to go sit by the equipment,and sat there and cried,

my friend came,
she suggested we ask security if we could go to the elevated sidestage
and he said yes

i walked up those stairs so happy
as this song was playing,
almost done
but i got to watch them
and SEE them

alas,
it was bittersweet.
i only got to see two more songs after that

and they werent the ones that i had hoped for

beggers cant be choosers i know
but everytime i listen to this song i remember how much i regret going back

and i have to admit lovie
you put a funk to my day
and kind of made it suck
i know it was probably just stress because of your assignments due the next day
but
you were so impatient
and almost cruel.
i was waiting so long for that one night and you basically killed it
i want to blame you but i cant.

that was the first time when i needed you and you werent there for me
the second time was yesterday when my mom came home three hours late from work,
drunk and without my laptop

i see things in her that i see in yer mum
and dont get me wrong,
she is insane
but she loves you
my mom,
she's getting to be that way
but instead of therapy,
she has alcohol

i am not afraid to keep on living

Fri, 30 May 2008 22:56:24 GMT

6:20 pm
welcome to the black parade is on.
i haven't listened to this song since i saw my chemical romance in concert.
they over played it for weeks when it first came out
so i started to not like it,
but it still makes me feel like i have to go on, no matter what.
"we'll carry on"
how can someone think an album with such lyrics in its title track
can come from a 'deathcult' type band

at first i was mad, i was furious at the daily mail's attacks on the band and its fans
but now
it just saddens me to see how ignorant some people are..
i sit here crying because i know i cant give up,
and even thought its hard,
i just have to go on

we all need to go on
and to the parents of hannah, i hope you can realize taht its not the fault of an
american
'emo' band

ignorance is at fault here, not of hannah, or her parents,but the people who introduced her into such a culture so wrongly
'emo' culture

the true culture of this band and its fans differs depending on where you are.

stupid people do stupid things

im not saying that hannah was stupid, im saying that whoever told her that its 'cool' to cut yourself or that its 'the hip thing' to act depressed all the time or be suicidal

its fucked up
but dont blame those who dont deserve it